Cheshire's Space

Not a bike in the park.

2005-11-30T17:38:00.000-08:00

I don't think I was supposed to ride my bike today. This is annoying, because I just got it back in operational condition again.

Today's miscues started at the crossing of Santa Rosa and Highland. Gearshifts are normally associated with an increase in acceleration; instead the pedals jammed solidly in place. This was a bit startling for me, and caused considerable angst amongst the drivers waiting to make their right-hand turns.

Having kicked the bike back into motion, I set off towards class. Progress was interrupted again, this time by a bump which succeeded in detaching my rear light and sending it's various components tumbling out into the street. This not being the first time (this month) a hefty bump has caused my favored ride to shed useful parts, I circled back to pick up the pieces. Or rather, I circled back to watch two cement trucks rumble by...

So, yeah. Looks like I'm in the market for a new taillight.

Game Over.

2005-11-28T02:15:00.000-08:00

This is the last time I post about school this quarter, largely because there's little left to say. Statistics is statisticaly impossible to pass (this is about as funny as stats jokes get), and I've stopped going to German; the class is a lost cause. Factor in Q/C and Finance, and the final GPA falls somewhere between 1.0-1.5. All I can say at this point is, "oh well, better luck next time..."

The lyrics going through my head as I write this...:

I want to be dependable
I want to be courageous and good
I want to be faithful so that I can be heroic and true
I want to be your friend you can rely on
You can lean on and trust
I want to understand so I can forgive
And be willing to love

I wish I wasn't flesh and blood
I would not be scared
Of bullets meant with me in mind
Then I could be saved

My sweet lord, take care of me for I think I'm done
Kiss my mother on her cheek and lay my burden down
Lay my burden down

Now that we know for sure
They're telling lies
When they say no one gets hurt and therefore nobody dies
You know it's hard to believe anything that you hear
They say the world is round
The world is round
The world is round
The world is round

"Garbage - Metal Heart"

What the... huh?

2005-11-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

I need to complain more frequently here. Everytime I put my woes in writting, circumstances stand on their head and everything one once took for granted about reality suddenly is called into question again. As the saying goes, "Want to make God laugh? Tell him your plans for the future."

But that's not why I'm writting.

As reported in my last post, I earned 49.5% on my first finance mid-term. A "re-test" given by the teacher to make up for universaly dismal performance on that test earned me a 56%. Now I have news from the teacher that my combined score for the first mid-term is 61%.

There's something to be said for two wrongs making a right, the sum being greater than the parts... but all I'm sayin' is "...I don't get it?" How failing twice earned me a better-than-failing grade works is a mystery, but as Franny would probably tell me: "You have good luck. Very wierd luck, but good all the same."

Shit.

2005-11-08T23:02:00.000-08:00

Tests taken so far this quarter:

IT371: 97%
Stats: 58%
German: 68%
BUS342: 49.5%
IT371: 57%
BUS342: 56%

There are two more tests I've yet to get back, but I doubt either of those tests will earn me better than 60%. The last test is particularly disappointing, the entire class did so poorly on the first mid-term that the teacher created a make-up test to improve our scores. I reviewed the old test, the solutions for the old test, examples of old mid-terms, homework assignments, created a study sheet and memorized it so I wouldn't have to spend time reading through it during the test.

And I bumped my score up by 6.5%. To 56%. Yay.

Because when I study my ass for a single specific question I know will be asked and is asked, I still manage to fail the damn test. It's at this point that I have to stop and ask another specific and expected question: what the hell is wrong with me? I've got one B (IT371) and three Fs to my credit, which drops my GPA off to a nice, round, "why even bother?" Oh, and we can't forget the CR/NC 1-unit bowling class. Because it’s so nice to know there’s at least one class I can do well in…

Finals are in three weeks, and the nose-dive only seems to be accelerating. Study, and I fail. Don't study and I fail (only more so). And I'm fresh out of optimism, out of mid-terms I could use to save my grade, out of any idea of how to fix this...

EGS Cool Quote.

2005-11-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

"You look in the mirror, but someone else looks back. You remember a life you never had, one that cannot be yours. You are the piece that does not fit, you don't belong in this game. The board has been knocked over, you shall be swept away..."

- Dan Shive, El Goonish Shive.

"The winds of change..."

2005-09-26T01:03:00.000-07:00

There's energy in the air tonight. It's cool but comfortable, rain sprinkling the ground and lightning flickering in the sky. It feels like something big is waiting just over the horizon: chaotic energy and untapped potential; like a wave is about to break over my world...

I think I'm ready to surf.

A room with a fuze...

2005-09-24T23:06:00.000-07:00

There's a new house being built in my backyard. Most of the construction equipment is run off an outside plug wired to the same circuit as my room. Every time their air compressor cycles on my lights flicker; resetting my digital clock is a daily activity.

This afternoon the fritz-ing wiring finaly signed off for good, leaving my room powerless (except for the ceiling light, which works fine for some reason). Power now comes via. an extension cord running through the dinning room and into the kitchen. The entrance to my room has become a major hub, with a power strip diverting electrons via. extension cordes to vital destinations: the dryer and dryer, two refrigerators, and a second power strip in my room.

All this power off one outlet - do we have another blown fuze headed our way?

In other room news:

# My room redesign was a resounding success. A white board was installed, additional floorspace was generated, and there is now room for another plant. Phase #2 of Evil Room Redesign: purchase plant. Mwahahaha!

# The Schnauzers urinated on my floor for the 4th time since my return from Eureeka. That wasn't an issue this summer, but they're making up for lost time...

# The Author has learned that "Der Zünder" is German for "the fuze," wich pleases him greatly.

Onward, blogs!

2005-09-20T22:56:00.000-07:00

It's time to reshape tradition. Specifically, I'm not a writer. Childhood experience tells me I've got the creativity and capability. I just haven’t made use of those talents since sometime in the 2nd grade.

I’ve decided to make up for this lake of trial and error experience through Blogger. I’m firing up two new blogs to store my ramblings as they come to me. One will contain random bits and pieces of stories that have been whirling around in my brain for years. They may coalesce into something, or shatter into dozens of disconnected scenes and skits.

The other blog is being written as a reaction to “The Blitzkrieg Myth” – a book I’d recommend to anyone interested in military tactics. It will focus on how the last century of “mechanized warfare” never quite lived up to its promise, and how modern technologies and tactics might finally rewrite the accepted rules of war.

What I’m not certain of is whether I’ll link to either of these blogs. The military blog will probably remain anonymous, partly to save friends from those ramblings, partly because a pacifist-minded Quaker has no business suggesting new methods of killing people. The “storied blog” may get linked to if it builds up enough momentum that I feel I have something worthwhile to display.

The real purpose is to become more comfortable writing; when essays roll around I want my writer’s block cowering in the corner, not blocking academic progress. Any further gains will simply be icing on the cake.

Huete Ist Mien Tag!

2005-09-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

Oh German, how I missed you. Frau Frantz kicked off class by going up and down the rows asking students - most of whom she's presumably taught in earlier courses - how their summers had turned out. In German.

The good news is I could understand a good 80% of what was being said, so my vocabulary is still intact after 2 1/2 years of disuse. The problem was when the teacher asked me questions in German, I could understand but not respond. I simply couldn't string words together in any coherent way...

So I've got maybe a week to piece together a year's worth of study, to get caught up with my classmates. This course is going to seriously kick my ass, but I think it's going to be my favorite subject all the same.

What. The. Hell.

2005-09-19T14:38:00.000-07:00

Seriously. I do everything right - have all the right information, check my options, plan accordingly. And the whole damn thing comes apart because someone I've never even met until an hour ago decides to change the rules.

God damn..! Why can't things just go right for once?

Percusionist Persuation

2005-09-05T21:19:00.000-07:00

Tapa-tapa-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-rapa-tapa-rapa-tapa...

There's a crowd dancing in the streets of downtown Eureka. A dozen drummers pounding out the rhythm, someone blasting a whistle, two girls dancing, and a crowd of dozens - probably more than a hundred - spectators and dancers following along as the procession moves into the intersection and the musicians circle up.

People circle around, dancing or just watching those of us who are. Traffic grinds to a stop, cars pilling up in every direction. The "song" ends, almost instantly a "one-two-three" is blasted from the whistle, and with a wild cheer from the crowd the next "song" begins.

Ratatatatata BOOM. BOOM BOOM BA-BOOM...

And the dancers head of down the street, looking for the next intersection to crash. On my right a man in a suit is spinning and leaping and waving his arms in the air. To the left a girl has painted her face and is doing her own interpretation of "African dance."

Tapatapatapatapatapatapatapatapa...

I'm Irish, English, French, German, Italian... but face it - there's no denying that drum beat - go back far enough... we're all really from Africa, aren't we...?

Epiphany

2005-09-02T22:57:00.000-07:00

Holy Crap! There went Friday...

"Taking care of business"

2005-08-25T01:54:00.000-07:00

As I make the final turn as I head home, a warning flag interupts my train of thought. The cop car that followed me down Santa Rosa has also made the turn. And it's lights were flashing...

I really should have put the new registration sticker on. I also really shouldn't have given the cop my expired driver's licence (why I carry two is another story, suffice it to say I gave him the wrong one). I managed to stop stuttering, closed my eyes for a count-to-ten, then turned back to the officed - "... now that I've got my brain working again, let me try that again. How can I help you?"

Fortunatly, the copper had a good sense of humer. He quickly realized that a) he'd pulled me in front of my own house and b) the two cars that had just pulled up were unloading the friends I'd been hurrying home to meet. He grinned and dismissed the notion of ticketing me, but was "willing to put the cuffs on for effect..."

With my friends watching on? I really should have taken him up on that one...

Battered but not broken.

2005-08-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

I'm actually impressed with how sore I am. My hands especially are a mess, I've worn off patches skin here and there, and the skin over my knuckles actually pulled apart at one point. Simply curling up my fingers hurts long after the aspirin should have kicked in.

There are some lessons to be learned here.

The job was to dig a trench - ~60 ft. x 12 " x 12" - lay a waterline, then refill it first with sand then packed clay. Mostly it was shoveling and pickaxe-ing, which turned into a muddy mess after I punched a hole in a pipe someone forgot to warn me of. Not the kind of work you need a resume to apply for.

And not something I'm particularly suited for. If I'd worked more hours per day, I probably could have finished sooner and with less damage. Then again I'm not sure how much harder I could have pushed myself without really hurting something. My parents have often accused me of "never working a hard day in my life." I think this grunt-work officially lays that complaint to rest, and I consider the experience itself invaluable. I'm not great at it, but it's good to know the ability is there...

"This item is not understandable"

2005-07-31T01:39:00.000-07:00

Display only, item not for Sale!
See front desk to purchase this item.

So declares the sign inside Vons, regarding a comfy looking couch they have on display. I asked the cashier about the strange phrasing, and she told me to see the front desk to make my purchase if I was interested. "But it's not for sale..."

City Limit
Radar Enforced

So proclaims the sign at the end of my street. I thought it was a mistake, but a similar proclomation is made on Los Osos Valley road. I don't entirely know how San Luis Obispo plans to enforce its city limits via. radar, but they seem commited to the concept...

CONSTRUCTION
Street Closed: 7-28-2005
7:00am - 4:00pm.

So declares the sign in front of my house (and several others scattered around the block). It's probably not worth mentioning the date is currently 7-31-2005; the sign exists only for sentimental reasons now. It is worth mentioning that on the actual date of construction, nothing was actually constructed...

I think that's enough heckling for one night...

"You've got mail!"

2005-07-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

I recieved a care package from mom today. It contained:

* 4 editions of Science News
* Rasberry Ziner tea
* Popcorn
* A sponge
* Reccess Pieces
* The Secret Man, by Bob Woodward
* A form for making Jello.

Family. Woot!

Today's decision.

2005-07-17T01:24:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, I made a choice: avoid being tied down at all costs, prevent anything that might keep me from doing what I wanted when I finally realized what that was. I told myself I was "where I wanted to be," it was my choice to be where I was, even the things I didn't like could be forgiven for the sake of future gain.

What a load of crap that’s turned into. Certainly it's served its purpose in the past, its a surprisingly easy viewpoint to take, it feels nice and selfless. But now I've got my dream life: good friends, a beautiful town, freedom in every way that matters. And I keep putting off making the most of it for the future gain... of what? This is what I want, and I'm ignoring it for no other reason that habit.

I made a ridiculous (for me) purchase today: a 1:48 scale model Eurofighter Typhoon. It was expensive, and I still need to buy paint, brushes, and glue. But I'm 22 and its about damn time I had a hobby, so why not? There's more to life than the bare minimum I've allowed myself in the past. While I'm at it I'm going to need new clothes, new shoes, a new haircut, and a real job...

I've made some big mistakes in the last few months. Not taking summer courses. Not finding stable employment. There's nothing to be done about that now. What I can do is find a new outlook: stop living like I'm waiting for something better.

"And we're off!"

2005-07-10T21:08:00.000-07:00

My brain has been idling of late. Life has been enjoyable, but my major activity has been waiting for something to happen. Which brings us to today's good news: something happened.

I traveled up Bishop's peak today, accompanied by two housemates (David & Jill) and one friend (Ellen). Also along for the ride was the local Schnauser pack (Molly and Joey). We went over, under, and around large rocks, enjoyed grand vistas, and were only mildly sunburned.

I missed two phone calls while I was off adventuring. One was from sue, who had a job for me. The other was from Larry, who had two jobs for me. This is good news: people want to pay me to do things. I'm an excellent worker, but the hiring process is something I've never been particularly good at. Now I've got one temp. job and two long-term employment oppertunities.

Sue's interested in manual labor (which I enjoy), but Larry's work should be particularly entertaining. I'm entering sales and inventory data into excel spreadsheets, which could be a) a long and tedious task or b) a quick adventure in patern recognition, as I get paid by task, not by time. And I'm really good at patern recognition.

Yeah, I'm gonna have fun with this...

"[This] is the one."

2005-06-26T02:20:00.000-07:00

Something really cool hit me today. I was sitting amongst friends and strangers at a restaurant in Santa Maria, when the girl sitting across from me asked me what career I had in mind as a business student.

Usually my reply to such questions starts with, "well it’s just an idea," or, "if the fantasy were to come true..." Something to indicate that even I know that what I'd like to do will never be done. Today I explained shortly, simply, and with far more confidence than I was expecting, the business I intend to launch over the next several months.

Dreaming is nice. But being taken - and taking myself - seriously is a new and very enjoyable experience. I've had many an idea wander through my ADD-inspired mind, but I think this is actually going to work.

"It's Walky!"

2005-06-10T03:52:00.000-07:00

"Act with integrety. No Regrets."

- Roomies.

"It's the storm we all have to endure. We hate it. But it's every raindrop, it's every harsh element that runs down our faces, that traces out who we are: our shape. It reveals the passion, the defiance, the space in the world the rain cannot displace.

We are beautiful. It's the world thats ugly. But never lose hope. For the same ugly world that sends the rain, also gives us the sun."

- It's Walky!

"I dream of flying... fish?"

2005-06-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

It suddenly occured to me that - despite having seen a flying fish gliding over the water, and having a fairly good grasp of the physics I was observing - I still have no idea why a flying fish flies.

Thanks to the internet, today I have an answer.

"Potential Practicality."

2005-05-31T20:01:00.000-07:00

"To give you an idea of how accurate these GPS guided systems are... during the Gulf War CNN showed the video feed from a cruise missile fired at a house. The missile didn't hit the house - it flew in through the front door..."
- Wright Leapheart, Aero 310 teacher.

First off, I'm a Quaker, so I'm supposed to be a pacifist and anti-war in all its forms. But a system that can fly a supersonic projectile through an open door has too much potential to be ignored.

Man powered his way into the sky with a plane assembled (in part) from bicycle parts. Could the cruise missile be the answer to, "where's my flying car?" If you can trust this system to make door-to-door deliveries of 1,800 lb. tritonal warheads, why not use it to safely deliver a recreational aircraft to the runway of your choice? Who needs 12 months and $6,000 worth of pilot's licensing when you can download an experienced chauffer to do the work for you?

That'd be way cooler than watching a cruise missile barge into a house without so much as a ringing the doorbell...

What...?

2005-05-24T00:10:00.000-07:00

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
And you bleed just to know you're alive

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

Why you? Why me? Why on a dare?
Couldn't you have simply asked?
The answer would have been the same.

"It seemed like a good idea at the time."

2005-05-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

My parents are no longer homeless. This is good news: they purchased a new home in Eureka before the escrow ran out on (what had been) our Walnut Creek home.

I'd already planned to head home this weekend, to see our old place for the last time. I also decided that taking Amtrak would be a good idea because A) It seemed cheaper than paying for gas and B) I could get some reading in while someone else chauferred me to my destination.

The rather sullen-looking cashier at the Amtrak corrected my ambitions. Train rides from S.L.O. to Martinez (and back) take 15+ hours, and a round trip would set me back $80. I can manage the same journey in my truck for ~$50 in gas and ~7 hours of my time.

So it looks like I'll be taking the truck back to Walnut Creek one last time. Someday in the future, I'm gonna get a fast plane and licence to fly it...

Anyone need a ride North this weekend?
- Matt "cheaper than Amtrak" D, signing off.

"Return of the old, revenge of the new."

2005-05-08T01:21:00.000-07:00

I view Irony as a theatrical concept. Which creates its own small irony in life.

I left DVC's theater two years ago because I despised where it was taking me. I didn't know where I was going, only where I had been: one more incompetent wanna-be actor repeating words written by someone far smarter than himself. Id' say anything just for a moment's attention, simply to know that I could make those around me react to my presence in some way. Which is why everyone stopped paying attention to me... and when that reality hit me, I walked off the stage without even knowing what I was heading towards.

"Theater" is now two years in the past, 250 miles north of my life. A different home, a different school, a different life... there's no undoing two years of action meant to distance me as much as possible from who I used to be.

Which is the greator irony: reality has hit again, and I see myself acting in the same self-degrading ways I hated so much. All my old "theatrics:" Saying stupid things. Doing nothing. Boasting of things I'll do, hoping that maybe someone will take me seriously and be impressed; knowing that even I can't do that anymore.

The silver lining to this cloud? I've been here before. I know my weaknesses, and now I know how to control them. So I'm returning to the web: this is my space to expose my failures, boast of my victories, collect my thoughts and justify my actions. Read at your own risk.